She sits still, frozen in time, as the lump forms in her throat and she wills her tears to retreat, but they well up in her eyes without regard to her surroundings. She knows grace will cover her, but at this moment her grief is turned to inward anger. Shouldn’t she be more seasoned and put together in this “stage of the game”. She “knew what she was getting into” by saying yes to the call to take this child, but she was blindsided none the less. Allowing her heart and mind to go “there”. Ya know, the place of the future. Answering the what ifs with when’s. A dangerous disposition to be in with something that isn’t promised. Then she quickly remembers that nothing is promised. No day in the future is promised, but she grasps at the faint string of hope, none the less. Feeling alone in a crowded room is something she’s grown accustom to. Screaming on the inside. Tied together with a smile.
It’s in the stillness. In the brokenness. In the desperation that she whispers the only name that can save her. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Over and over his name passes through her lips. Her eyes close and she wills for the day to be over. To be done. She seeks the coolness of her pillow on her cheek and blanket to cover up her weak body that has been going through the motions. Maybe she could hide there. Away from the reality of what she “signed up for.”
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (GOD)
Did you know that the yellow daffodil has a meaning of hope?
It has been almost a year since I wrote those short paragraphs above. Since I chose that picture for this post. The post I never made public, until now. I remember all too well how hot tears of anger and sorrow blurred my eyes as my fingers flew over the keyboard in desperation to make sense of what was going on. To find closure. To find an outlet for the pain in my heart. The words of my heart and my head typed out for all to see. A rawness and truth that I did not have it all together and saying goodbye to this child was much harder than I let anyone believe. What I believed to the depths of my soul and what I knew from working through past heart breaking goodbyes, as a foster parent, were deeply conflicting. It truly is the hardest thing to say goodbye to a child that you have loved as your own. Knowing that more likely than not, you will never see that child or hear of them again. It matters not if that were for one day or a year or more. Oddly enough, despite the traumatizing heartache, I will never regret fostering. I have learned more about the character of God (in the almost 5 years) since we have joined the fostering community than I have the majority of the rest of my life, thus far. My absolute favorite thing is watching and partaking in the healing process. However, in order to make beauty from ashes, there must be ashes. Brokenness before restoration. Pain before healing.
Through that particular season of grief God showed me more about trusting him and his plan for my life. Not my plan, but HIS. We had to trust him with our hearts because he knew the future and had good plans. Plans that would bring hope and healing. Restoration and beauty.
I remember the day that marked day 45 since my precious boy had left and I still found myself including him in the head count for dinner and when getting suckers at the bank. (Among everything else.) It was December 21st when the verse John 14:18 came to my mind ….. I had been specifically praying for the son that had left our home… when I reached that verse in my bible I was immediately filled with peace as chills went all over me. Joyful tears flowed. …. The verse says….
“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”
I didn’t know when that promise would be fulfilled, but I had that string of hope that seemed less faint then before…..
Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months and yet….
Looking back it was when the daffodils were in full bloom that this promise started to concretely come to fruition. The beginning of the season that this promise would come to be fulfilled. It happened on a beautiful cool spring day. A day that I will never forget.
I received a phone call that brought me to my knees….
OUR SON WAS COMING BACK HOME!!