Chapter 35

It started like any other ordinary morning. A deep breath in before opening my eyes. Thanking God for the gift of today.

My thoughts were interrupted by the giggles and clamoring coming from the kitchen. I wasn’t allowed to leave my room, yet, but the sweet smell of something reached my nose before their words “surprise!” ever did.

Back to my thoughts… I realize, more days than not, that if it wasn’t for HIS grace and love that made the sun come up today, then darkness would still be engulfing the day.

A little tattered along the edges, but still whole enough. Full enough. ENOUGH.

I made it. Feeling more alive and loved than previously know. It took me almost 35 years, this long to know, myself. To truly accept the uniqueness God created. To laugh at my own jokes. My own mishaps. To love myself. To hold myself worthy. To enjoy the adventure of life. My life. To see the world as a piece of life and not it as an entirety.

The land of the living, or is it?

I could speak of just how many hell seasons I’ve been through in my 35 years, but equally as many “heaven” seasons too. There will always be worst things that could have happened, as well as better things.

I could have memories of childhood that didn’t hold bruises. I could have had relationships that weren’t full of mental, emotional and physical abuse. I could have had a friendship that wasn’t years filled with narcissistic lies, manipulation and ending in betrayal. I could have had all full pregnancies without loss. I could have done without sickness and financial stress. I could have done without farm animal loss upon loss. Those are just a few snippets and not the complete painful details of how I’ve walked through fire seasons, but never alone. My savior has been with me every step of the way, and My God has been so gracious to gift me with a husband that has been a life changing key to aide in my healing. HE also gifted me with true God fearing friends in each season, to remind me to look up.

However, without all of those LIFE seasons, then I wouldn’t learn about the need for forgiveness. Forgiving others is the easy part. Forgiving myself was the hard part. We live in a broken world. I have learned the need to be dependent on the one that created my innermost being. Crafted my soul in such a way that HE knows me better than I know myself.

Loving myself more was the choice I finally had to make. It was the key to becoming fully alive and present in the moment.

Life is a growing journey. A changing journey.

We can let situations mold us to becoming better. To choose to gain wisdom and not bitterness.

Life has taught me many things.

I know how I want to parent. I know what kind of wife I want to be and what to accept from my husband. I know what kind of friend I want to have and want to be. I know how precious children are and how they are a blessing, even in the mundane chaos. I know the price of health and the daily choices needed. I would rather pay for health care instead of sick care. Our bodies are made amazingly and this earth was made with amazing plants and minerals to help heal us, in our daily life. I know the hardworking value of a dollar means more when we have went without.

Yet, through every season God has not left my side.

Sometimes the mundane moments are what make life. We spend more times in the valleys working towards the mountaintop, than on the actual mountain top itself.

And perhaps that is it. This life is a journey. An adventure. Let’s enjoy the ride.

Worthy. Abide.

The words that God sent to saturate my mind this past year.

I am worthy of love. I am worthy of truth. I am worthy of happiness. I am worthy.

“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.” John 15:4

God has always taken care of us, provided for us. Answered prayers before they even left our lips. May we never forget to abide in him, for our every need.

Let us not settle in seasons that strip us of our known worthiness. Of our know ability to abide in our creator.

Life may try to rob you and make you feel worthless, BUT in Christ ALONE shall we Abide and find our worthiness. For HE is worthy and knows just how much worth he put into our souls.

So happy 35th chapter of life, to me. I’m ready for this next trip around the sun. For the author of life has written the greatest adventure for me, and I can’t wait to soak up the daily pages he has gifted to me, as long as he keeps writing, I’ll keep taking a deep breath in, before opening my eyes and thanking him for another gift of the day.

The Last Goodbye

It is gut wrenchingly heartbreaking looking into the eyes of a child knowing that it is the last time you’ll see them. A child that has finally let their guard down and learned to trust you. Trying to soak up the moment where they are unaware that their world is about to be turned upside down, again. Begging your mind to not forget this moment. The moment of security.

The feeling of goodbye. I won’t miss that feeling.

The clinging to you because they aren’t ready to go. I won’t miss that feeling either.

Them looking at you in wonderment of why you aren’t going with them. I won’t miss that feeling.

You’re voice being in an endless sea of opinions. I won’t miss that feeling either.

I’ll miss first words. I’ll miss hearing their laughs. I’ll miss their hugs. I’ll miss hearing them singing their “Jesus songs”.

Seven years. 7. Twenty six children. 26. Twenty-six birthdays. Twenty six faces. Twenty six stories.

All coming to us broken with their own stories in need of redemption. In need of a healing season.

Twenty four taking a piece of my heart. A piece of my life, when they left and a piece of theirs stayed with us. Two that hold forever with us.

Forever changing us, and a hope that we were used to forever change them.

^“Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” -Matthew 19:14