On the other side of the Curtain

 

 

This is my fourth year being a NICU RN. I couldn’t imagine having any other job. Sometimes I stand beside an isolate and just stare and pray for the miracle inside. I am in awe. I actually get paid to do what I love! It is rewarding, joyful, scary, exciting and nerve wrecking all rolled into one.

As a nicu nurse we are constantly running about doing what needs to be done, making lists, grabbing supplies, answering call lights, checking on a crying baby, checking lab levels, oxygenation, milk, medications, linens, and the lists go on and on…..

BUT from behind the curtain, on the other side of the door, is a whole different world…..

Anxiety, exhaustion, fear, letting go of control, trusting “strangers”, and watching the newest little love of your life struggle and go through moments that they shouldn’t have to, in a perfect world-which is far cry from where we are now or will be-this side of heaven.

Living hour by hour is the new “normal”. Every drop of blood, sacred. Every drop of milk, a celebration. Leads monitoring heart rate, oxygenation and respiratory rate, iv lines, pumps, monitors and lots of noises.

July 2011 I became a NICU RN and entered a world of little people that couldn’t speak for themselves, but desperately needed an educated, loving voice to stand up for them. I have always told nicu moms that If I ever had a nicu baby there is no other place I would want my baby to be. I said that before our nicu stay and I will absolutely say it now.

January 2015 I became a Nicu Mom, just for a brief time.

On January 7th my rainbow baby was born at 40 weeks and 3 days. Which was such a relief after a preterm labor scare at 26 weeks. That landed me on bed rest for 3 weeks and only moderate activity until she was born. For someone who runs and works out a lot, that was a challenge, but certainly worth it. I couldn’t believe she was finally term! I thought, “Yah, no nicu stay.” Then I ate my words…….

On January 8th, during a routine bilirubin check, her level was 11 and being less than 12 hours old was way too high. So away to the NICU we went. Running on exhaustion and adrenalin I didn’t sleep the whole week we were there. I was afraid I would miss something.

As a mom- different nurses and doctors, oh so many doctors. Not everyone introduced themselves or knew what the previous doctor had said. So many questions and ramblings that everything was a blur. I knew these faces, these names and the condition of my child, but somewhere in-between the days and nights of constant feedings with lack of sleep the boundary lines blurred in my brain from being a nurse and being a mommy.

As a nurse- The constant flow of nurses and doctors and they popped in and out and made rounds were “normal” and completely made sense.

Having a war inside yourself is oh so frustrating, knowing if this was “someone else’s child” how much more cool, calm and collected I would be, as the nurse. Knowing in my heart of hearts how everything would turn out just fine, but when the Mommy part of you overpowers your nursing brain, it is pure exhaustion and momma bear wakes up.

When Ansley’s bilirubin levels weren’t responding to treatment in the way any of us had hoped, my mommy brain began to panic at the thought of a volume exchange. (Removing her blood and giving her donor blood to filter out the excess bilirubin. Usually 22.5 is the bilirubin level to indicate need for a volume exchange.)

I had only recently found out that the reason her bili levels were so high was because of an ABO incompatibility. (We had different blood types. Unlike the RH factor.)

Praying, oh so much praying, as I watched my newest little love sleep under the blue lights. Not knowing exactly when we would go home, but clinging to the truth that this time would pass and we would go home.

Finally, her bilirubin levels started to decrease. We were able to go home the following week, on a Tuesday. We had to return daily for the next few days to have her bili levels checked. They started to increase again and by that Friday her level was 18.7. So we returned to be readmitted. Again, we waited, we prayed and prayed some more. The following evening her level was low enough and we were able to go home. For good. Praise God.

A very wise attending MD told me, “You may not realize it now, but this will make you a better nurse in the long run.”

His words are ringing oh so true. I am thankful for the experience that we were able to have. My sweet little love was able to be cared for by some of the best nurses, doctors and co-workers I could ever have. My husband got a glimpse of what I do. Not just rock and feed babies all day. ;)We were overwhelmed and beyond thankful for the prayers, meals, visits, gifts and love that was poured into our family. I will never be able to thank you all enough.

To all the Nicu Nurse’s: You are doing a great job. All of the hours and running around is noticed. Your tiny patient reaps what you sow. Thank you for loving and caring for these babies when their Moms can’t. Thank you for being their voice and defender.

To all the Nicu Momma’s: You are brave. You are beautiful. You are doing a wonderful job. Ask questions. Ask for nurses to repeat themselves when you need clarity. Call a thousand times. Sing to your baby. Pray for your baby. You are your baby’s best voice and defender. You are part of the team. Your precious little is blessed to have you.