Stolen Moments; Broken Dreams

 

The house was quiet and they were once again alone. For the last time. More stolen moments together. Tears stain the woman’s cheeks and fall onto the plump cheeks of the infant she is cradling. So many tears cried and prayers prayed over this safe haven baby, who sleeps soundly as the motion from the rocking chair had lulled her to sleep.
The song Amazing Grace quietly fills the once silent room and through the cracking of her voice she manages to slowly get the words out. This family and home is all this little one has ever known in her short life. It is about to be ripped away from her, and in her innocence she is unaware.

Perhaps it’s better that way. Maybe she will forget. She prays this sweet one forgets. May she forget the snuggles and the singing and the rocking and the playing. May she forget these faces, the ones that call her daughter and sister. Oh but may she remember the love and the prayers and the verses prayed daily over her. May she deep down know she is so loved and cherished.  Not only by the people that she has come to know as momma, daddy, bubba and sister, but by her Creator. May she one day know and feel HIS love. May HE become her best friend and may she hide his words in her heart.

Because if she forgets them It will be easier for her to be comforted by strangers. If she forgets them the pain won’t keep her up at night. If she forgets them she won’t wonder where they went or what they are doing. If she forgets them then she won’t feel abandoned.

All that burden belongs to the one cradling the precious sleeping infant.
No birthday parties. No potty training. No first day of kindergarten. No first beach trips. No teaching her to pray. No hearing her soft little voice as she sings or says Jesus. Every year when her birthday comes around she will be thought of and silently celebrated. When milestones should be reached, she will be thought of.  She will be prayed for.  She will be cried for.  She will be loved, by people she won’t even remember. By people she won’t even know exist. All these once hoped for dreams that now have become just broken dreams.

Nothing is a surprise to HIM.
HE knew exactly the amount of days this sweet Safe Haven baby would be in this family.  Once on the other side maybe this season will make a little more sense. Maybe the heartbreak and unexplainable loss will make more sense. All for HIS glory.

This world is so broken. This system is so broken. That is exactly why a savior is needed.  If the world didn’t need fixed, if the system wasn’t broken there would be no room for HIS love and mercy. For HIS sacrifices. Praise God for sending us a savior, Jesus Christ. For in this world we will have trouble, but take heart for HE has overcome this world. He delivers on his promises, in his timing. He will break your heart for what breaks his, when you ask, and you will never ever be the same.  Once you have craddled a child in your arms, once you have fearlessly loved a child as your own, that doesn’t share the same blood with you, it is impossible to not see the need. The need to stand in the gap and be Jesus with skin on. The need to radically love children when you are not promised tomorrow with them. The need to cover them in prayer and carry them to the throne of our Father, long after the sun has set on them being in your arms.  

So thankful we were chosen to love and cherish this sweet one. She will never be gone from our hearts, minds and prayers. She will not remember us as we remember her. I pray that God’s peace will cover us. For I always tell my children, I love you so very much, but God always loves you more. Our Safe Haven baby is no exception. We know God loves her more. He will fight for her. He will rescue her. He will deliver her. He will make everything beautiful for her, in his time. He will give her a hope and a future.  For that I can have peace. Without pain and heart ache there would be no need for healing peace.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
John 14:27

My God is the God of second chances….

...And thirds and fourths and fifths and…. You get the picture.

Written June 9, 2013 on my Facebook, but I had decided to publish it on my blog too, because I needed to be reminded that in this foster care journey there will be hard days. Rough days. Days I want to quit. I praise God he doesn’t give up on me when I’m being stubborn and hard headed. He just loves me through it. Praying for the sweet children and their bio parents that need to be loved “through it”, whatever that season may be for them. No matter the long term outcome. We all need Gods undeserving grace.

…

I’ll just be really honest. Today was not a day I wish to relive anytime soon. Cleaning up throw up, fighting off a migraine, listening to screaming fits, repeatedly. I didn’t even get a chance to get out of my pajamas.

Today was a day, to say it nicely. Dillon (my son) and I have been sick and Little Princess had a super rough day. (Behavior wise)

I found myself at one point asking God, “okay, what now? What do I do? I need your help, this is greater than me!”

He whispered Isaiah 6….. The verse that stood out to me was 8. “Then I heard the voice of The Lord saying, whom shall I send? Who will go for us? And I said, here I am, send me!”
Wow, didn’t I tell HIM that? Didn’t I surrender and say no matter what God. God knew today was going to be hard and he was there. Waiting for me to ask him to help. He didn’t promise easy days when I signed up to follow him and do what he called me to do, but he did promise to never leave me. He did promise to go with me.
(Snipped from Deuteronomy 31:6)

The following prayer from Little Princess tonight:

“Thank you for the cars we drive and our house. Help the devil get behind me, and I be good and not cry and not scratch mommas doors and not bump our heads. In Jesus name, Amen.”

Even after a rough day it still makes me smile and thank God to hear this child pray. She has gone to claiming not to know the name of Jesus, to praying with a full heart. Even tucking her in she quickly reminded me that she wanted to have a happy heart and the devil to get behind her. “I want to be Jesus’ girl!” She exclaims. I tell her, “I want that too, and you are! Tomorrow is a new day.”

I know God has a plan for this child’s life. A second chance to be loved and cherished. I thank God I am part of that. I thank God he gives more and more chances. I thank God that my children willingly share their parents, house, time, ect. I thank my husband that patiently loves our children, even when we have to tag in/out and take turns… Haha

Praises…. Little Princess will start her full time behavioral therapy this week. I have a son and daughter that help so much and a fabulous husband that has LOTS of patience with me. 🙂

AND I certainly am thankful that God knows my heart and that his mercies are new every morning. Tomorrow I will welcome the day… Approximately my 9,700 and something chance….. 🙂

Foster care; not for the faint of heart

I get asked and told several things when people find out I’m a foster mom. I have found that when we put the following questions and statements into perspective as if we ourselves are the orphaned and needy, these questions/statements become more humbling. When we remember it is not about us, but about the children and Our Lord and savior and that HE has called us all to love, it makes a little more sense.

1)”How could we love a strangers kid?”

One day at a time. Thank God he is willing to take care of me, this earthly child, this stranger to heaven. The least I can do is love others, because HE has shown me how to love. HE has commanded me to love.

(1 Corinthians 13:1-3
“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,but do not have love, I gain nothing.”)

2)”That would take a lot of time.”

Yes, yes it does. One day at a time, because it is a way of life, not a hobby. Thank God he has time that he wants to spend on me. HE has never failed or abandoned me. He has love and patience like no other. Surely I can muster up a smidgen of his love and patience for the least of these.
( Isaiah 54:10
“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.”)

3) “Those kids have problems.”

As a matter of fact yes they do. So do you and I. That’s why it’s necessary to take it one day at a time. These children need hope and they need to be shown love, loyalty, structure and someone fighting for them. THEY ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. Thank God he forgives me of my sins and takes on my problems as his own. HE faithfully fights for me to heal me from my own “problems”. My daily battle with my flesh.
(1 John 1:9
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”)

4)”I don’t know how we could give them back to parents that “don’t deserve” them.”

Who is the big picture about? Us or God? HIS will must be done to ultimately bring HIM glory….. HE will increase our faith and change our character in the process. (I am living proof!!) He is full of grace and will cover us no matter what the situation is. We may never know the impacts of our actions and prayers on this side of heaven. Yes, it will rip our hearts out when they leave and when our forever children tell us how much they miss their sister/brother we will cry. These children need to be missed and talked about. They need to be recklessly and lavishly loved and always prayed for. They have already had a past that the devil tried to destroy. They have already been halfway loved and thrown about. They need to be taken to the throne so our Lord can intercede for them! Our Lord makes beauty from ashes and turns mourning to joy, AMEN! Thank God for his grace and mercy to continue to forgive when I make the same mistakes, over and over. Especially when I “don’t deserve it”. Thank God for covering me with grace and seeing these parents as HIS children too. They are broken and in need of a savior, just like me!

(2 Corinthians 12:9
“My (his) grace is sufficient for you, for my (his) power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

5)”I could not deal with DHS.”

One day at a time. I thank God that he has (some) people that do actually love their job working for the state. I’m not gonna lie, there are those that I seriously wonder why they chose to do this line of work.

I also have to remember that the state isn’t called to care for the least of these, us as Christians are.

I will brag on my own county for a second though, because out of all the counties I have dealt with, mine is still my favorite people to work with.
( Proverbs 31:8-9
“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly;
defend the rights of the poor and needy.”)

Foster care is a journey. Not a destination. Reunification or adoption is goal. These children desperately need YOU (us) to step up and speak up for them. I will honestly say that you will get hurt, but remember, it’s not about us.
My heart has broken to pieces every time I have had to tell one of “our” children goodbye. Knowing I may never see them again, this side of Heaven. Even those who were absolutely handfuls, they were my own for a time.
My heart hurts at their past and smiles for their future. They are all still on my mind daily and in my prayers. They will forever be young in my mind. They may never remember me, but I will always remember them. Remembering the last time I held them and told them I loved them.

 

Yes, this journey is extremely hard, but I can promise you with every fiber of my being that when you see the change in them, the sparkle in their eyes, hear them pray, sing and smile, it is ALL worth it!